Malapropist Tribune: 7/8/2012

Words I look up in the course of reading. Definitions borrowed from my American Heritage Dictionary. Examples pulled straight out my ass.


bedizen- (v) To ornament or dress in a showy, gaudy manner. "I'm sorry, but bedizening your 4-year-old in sequins and high heels just isn't appropriate, and no, I don't care if it's her birthday."
celedon- (n) A pale to very pale green. "Her eyes were celedon, the color of underwater robot armies."
bivalve- (n) Any of numerous freshwater and marine mollusks of the class Bivalva, having a shell consisting of two hinged valves and a ligament, including clams, muscles, oysters, and scallops. "I enjoy paella insofar as I can salvage a few bivalves, but frankly, yellow rice just isn't my thing."
cunctation- (n) A procrastination, delay. "I did all I could to avoid coming to the party, but at a point, I'd simply exhausted my supply of ready cunctations."
etiology- (n) The study of origins. "I'd share the etiology of my drug use with you, but I don't know that you're that interested in hearing about Kansas."
prolix- (adj) Tediously prolonged, wordy; tending to speak or write at excessive length. "I wanted to like the Malapropist Tribune, but the thing was just too goddamn prolix to stand."
cordate- (adj) Having a heart shaped outline. "Let's just say the cordate cookie cutters are a big hit with the ladies."
phylum- (n) Biology: A taxonomic category of organisms ranking below a kingdom but above a class. "You ever look at a tree frog and feel like you're just not part of the same phylum? Phylial reunions are the worst."
proffer- (v) To offer for acceptance, tender. "I'm afraid proffering the above joke might have been a bit too desperate. Sorry readers."
vacuole- (n) A membrane-bound organelle in the cytoplasm of most cells (especially plant cells) containing water and dissolved substances such as slats, sugars, enzymes, and amino acids. "I think I might have fried about 99 percent of my vacuoles at the baseball game last night with that seventh salted pretzel."
prurient- (adj) Characterized by an inordinate interest in sex. "To teach sixth grade health class is to cross an ocean of prurient preteens."
breviary- (n) Book containing hymns, prayers, and the canonical hours. "My mother really relied on her breviary to teach us kids morals & manners. She used to beat the hell out of us with that thing." 
abscond- (v) To leave quickly & secretly & to hide oneself often to avoid arrest or persecution. "I've been accused of absconding outright, but I prefer to think of it as taking a permanent vacation from the state of Arizona."
axiom- (n) A self-evident or universally recognized truth; an established rule or principle. "The munchies are more or less the primary axiom of smoking dope."
avaricious- (n) Characterized by avarice; greedy, covetous. "Jim been a real avaricious son of a bitch since he's taken up pogs again."
stricture- (n) A remark or comment, especially an adverse criticism. "You can't really walk through the city without catching at least one stray stricture from a passing loon."
lascivious- (adj) Inclined toward lustfulness; arousing sexual desire. "I wouldn't go so far as to call myself prurient, but I'm certainly known to be lascivious from time to time."
mallow- (n) Any plants of the genus Malva, including several popular garden plants. "There are so many mentions of mallow in Steinbeck's work that I can't hardly read a chapter without an allergy attack."
gaff- (n) An iron hook w/ a handle for landing large fish. "I had to abandon pescetarianism when I couldn't shake the recurrent nightmares of being gaffed."
concupiscence- (n) A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust. "My concupiscence as inspired by the Chaquita Banana Lady has resulted as some very weird feelings toward fruit."
thallus- (n) A leaf body undifferentiated into stem, root, or leaf. "I swear to god if you call your seaweed crackers thallus crackers one more time I will slap the snark out of you."
calcareous- (adj) composed of, containing, or characterized of calcium carbonate, calcium, or limestone; chalky. "The calcareous hills shone like unearthed bones in the early morning light."
sere- (adj) Withered, dry. "The once-lovely bouquet had turned sadly sere almost overnight."
austere- (adj) Severe or stern in disposition or appearance. Severe and grave. "My initial and false impression was that Tiffany's great aunt was an austere woman. My second and correct impression was that she was dead."
panoply- (n) A splendid or striking array or arrangement; ceremonial attire w/ all accessories. "The pantry of the late George Washington Carver houses an impressive panoply of peanut butters. 
angostura- (n) The bitter, aromatic bark of two south American trees used as a flavoring in bitters and as a tonic. "Nothing like a little angostura to correct a hodgepodge of leftover liquors."